Confession: I have been some version of a control-freak for much of my life. I learned early on that if I wanted something done well, I often needed to do it myself, and while that may have taught me some leadership skills, it also reinforced trust issues and the inability to delegate. Over time, I have been trying to unlearn and re-learn, trying to balance leading through doing with leading through teaching and delegating, understanding when good enough is enough and when it is not.
And then came planning my wedding. For a period of
approximately 9 months, Andy, my (now) husband, and I planned our wedding. We are both planners; we like to think things
through in advance, we are able to juggle multiple tasks and thoughts and
complexities, and we really enjoy planning and executing complicated events. So planning the wedding was a task, often a
second full-time job, which we both enjoyed, riffing off of one another’s thoughts,
spelling each other when necessary, and taking on the parts which were our
specialties. While Andy selected every
song for the playlist and every item of food and hardware and firewood to be
purchased for two dozen weekend houseguests, I worked out every detail of
design and color and texture. Together
we planned the logistics for all family members and friends. And all went without a hitch because of the
great detail of planning, the relentless checking and thinking and notating and
documenting, the extreme attention to detail.
Except. Except for
two things. One was the weather. We planned an outdoor wedding in Sonoma in
October, a most glorious time of the year when it never rains. And while it didn’t rain, it did get mighty
cold and windy in the evening when all of our guests were supposed to be dining
and drinking under the stars. We knew
from experience that Sonoma nights are cool, yet we didn’t plan for this fact,
and many of the details so carefully planned had to be pushed aside for some on
the spot triage to keep folks from freezing.
I never got to see those amazing desserts on the carefully curated
selection of antique cake plates which I had lugged around the country, as
dessert had to be rushed indoors in a helter skelter fashion. But I also saw people turn from being guests
to being helpers in a moment of need, giving roles to people who had wanted
to participate in the wedding and now had something new to do, and who have
talked ever since about, “Remember when it got so cold?” In this case, our lack of having a Plan B
resulted in a changed, positive experience.
On the other hand, having planned everything within an inch of our lives, I fell down in the planning of having a “Day Of” coordinator, and hired a “good enough” who didn’t turn out to be. What I needed was a mini-me, and instead hired someone who was convenient but ultimately ineffective. The wedding didn’t fall apart as a result; too many details were planned and on auto-pilot. And the meaning of the day and celebration was paramount, far more important than details which weren't perfect. But the stress caused by my poor hire’s deficiencies wore on others and caused stress where none was necessary. And that was MY doing, my not listening to the inner voice which was telling me that she was, indeed, not good enough.
Did any of this ruin the day? Absolutely not. The day of love and gathering, friends and family, beauty and celebration was amazing and powerful. Was everything perfect? No, and life is not perfect. Compromise in life is necessary. But learning when to compromise on
details and plans is really the key.
Some things matter more than others, and that’s really all there is to
it. It’s up to you to figure out which is and is not.
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